Meir Ezra, Who is Stopping You? (Part Three)

Meir Ezra - Do you know someone who appears kind and polite, but makes your work and life difficult? This person may be an antisocial person. He or she can make you feel like you are riding a roller coaster.

You feel good one day and bad the next. You are productive and efficient one week, but then waste time and get nothing done the next week. Your mood goes up and down, apparently with no explanation.

Abraham Lincoln was known for his mood swings. Sometimes he was energetic, ambitious and cheerful. Other times, he was withdrawn, exhausted and unable to sleep. Winston Churchill was also on a roller coaster: forceful, energized and brilliant one day, depressed and drinking the next. Imagine how much more these men would have accomplished if they had been more stable. They did not recognize nor handle the antisocial people around them.

Businesses are also prone to ups and downs because of antisocial people. One week your productivity and income are doing very well. The next, you have major problems.

Marriages and families can go through the same ride. Happy and loving one month, unfriendly and argumentative the next month. If this happens to you, someone may be secretly messing up your family and marriage.

Luckily, you can handle the negative people in your life. You can take control of your progress. You can have a stable, steadily improving business, career, marriage, family and life.

The first step is to recognize who is causing you trouble and what they are up to.

In two previous articles, we outlined three characteristics of the Antisocial Personality. (See links below.)

Characteristic #4

“4. A characteristic, and one of the sad things about an antisocial personality, is that it does not respond to treatment or reform. . . .” -- L. Ron Hubbard

For example, while most people find a walk to be refreshing, even therapeutic, an antisocial person complains about walks. “I don’t enjoy walks . . . just look at all that polluted air . . . the city needs to do something about those weeds . . . you shouldn’t be outside for so long.”

Improving life circumstances, like moving to a better home or learning a new skill, makes most people happier, but not an antisocial. He or she does not change for the better. No matter how hard you try to help the antisocial person’s performance, work skills or productivity, nothing changes.

You can waste years trying to make an antisocial kind, considerate or supportive, with no change. For example, antisocials will beat their wives or kids until someone threatens them. They pretend they have changed and then start the beatings again.

The antisocial is the constant complainer; the critic who is never happy; the whiner who threatens to leave you. He or she acts kind and thoughtful . . . while stabbing you in the back.

If you open your eyes and face the truth, you eventually realize you cannot help the person, no matter how hard you try.

The opposite characteristic is true of the social personality.

“It is often enough to point out unwanted conduct to a social personality to completely alter it for the better.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

For example, you say, “Ed, you won’t stay married for long if you yell at your wife.” Ed says, “Oh, yea, you’re right. I’m sorry.” Because Ed is a social person, he no longer yells at his wife.

Employees, bosses and coworkers, who are social personalities, are fun to work with. They are considerate and kind. They change and improve themselves.

For example, a telephone company gives people-skills training to its employees. Each employee can learn how to provide better service to customers. Social personalities enjoy the training and improve their work skills. Antisocial personalities complain about the training and, if forced to do the training, show no improvement.

If you supervise a social employee, correction is simple. “Sally, please don’t use your computer for personal shopping.” Sally says, “Okay” and stops shopping with her computer from then on.

Are You an Antisocial Person?

“Self-criticism is a luxury the antisocial cannot afford.” “Only the sane, well-balanced person tries to correct his conduct.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

Do you criticize yourself and try to correct your behavior? If so, you are not antisocial.

For example, a father finds a broken vase and asks his 7-year-old son, “Who broke the vase? Did you break it?” His son says, “No, I didn’t!” The father gets angry and spanks him for breaking a vase and lying about it.

His wife comes into the room with a broom and says, “I need to clean up the vase I broke.”

The social person would say, “Son, I’m sorry for not believing you. I’ll be more trusting in the future. I owe you a big pizza and ice cream, okay?”

The antisocial personality would say, “The kid deserved the spanking for something else he probably did. You need to show these kids who the boss is.”

Just about anyone can be made to act like an antisocial if he or she is pushed hard enough by an antisocial. For example, antisocial parents teach their children to be antisocial. The key is whether or not the person easily changes to a social personality, once he or she realizes the truth.

If you want to improve your conduct, you will. You have a social personality!

Meir Ezra, Your Biggest Source of Trouble and Anxiety (Part Two)

Meir Ezra - In a study conducted by members of the Los Angeles Police Department, they determined 2% of the population was actually dangerous and harmful to society; that this minority was behind most crime.

L. Ron Hubbard puts the percentage of antisocials at 2.5% with another 17.5% of the population influenced so heavily by the antisocial that they begin to act like antisocial personalities. On a world-wide scale, some antisocials are like Stalin or Hitler, the mafia or terrorists.

In your life, antisocials can be your boss, your wife, your customers, your coworkers, your lawyer, accountant, auto mechanic, employee, mother-in-law . . . anyone.

Recognizing the 20% who cause 80% of our troubles is the first step to handling them.

Part One covered the first characteristic of the antisocial personality: they speak in generalities. For example, "Everyone thinks you are too inexperienced," "No one likes what you said" or "America is terrified."

The second and third characteristics of an antisocial person is based on the nature of their conversations.

Bad News

"2. Such a person deals mainly in bad news, critical or hostile remarks . . ."

"It is notable that there is no good news or complimentary remark passed on by such a person." — L. Ron Hubbard

Someone has some good news and some bad news. A rational or social personality tells you both pieces of news. The antisocial personality passes only the bad news. Examples:

Social: "Mrs. Jones, we received the results of your tests. Two are negative, which is good news. The sample for the third test was lost at the lab. We’re very sorry. The doctor would like to do it again if you could come in today or tomorrow."

Antisocial: "Mrs. Jones, we received the results of your tests and there’s a problem. The doctor wants you to repeat one of the tests as soon as possible. I have an opening next month."

Social: "While she didn’t complete the project by noon like we wanted, she stayed up all night and fixed some problems we didn’t know about. She’ll be done by five tonight."

Antisocial: "We knew she couldn’t complete the project like we wanted."

Social: "Boy, I loved that chicken dish. The time you spent to prepare it was well worth it!"

Antisocial: "So this was your fancy chicken dish? You should try my mother’s. Now that’s good chicken!"

Social Personality

You can use the opposite characteristic to improve your personality.

"2. The social personality is eager to relay good news and reluctant to relay bad.

"He may not even bother to pass along criticism when it doesn’t matter."

"He is more interested in making another feel liked or wanted than disliked by others and tends to err toward reassurance rather than toward criticism." — L. Ron Hubbard

Worsened or Invented Bad News

"3. The antisocial personality alters, to worsen, communication when he or she relays a message or news. Good news is stopped and only bad news, often embellished, is passed along.

"Such a person also pretends to pass on ‘bad news’ which is in actual fact invented." — L. Ron Hubbard

Just passing on bad news is not enough for antisocials. They prefer to make it sound worse. They will even make up some bad news if the truth is not bad enough.

Neighborhood gossipers, politicians and most news reporters are good examples.

"She seems to have a different man’s car in front of her house every night."

"Unlike my political opponent, I will not tolerate child pornography!"

"Many questions exist about his sudden wealth."

Have you ever watched the nightly news and felt nothing good was happening in the world? Do you ever feel optimistic after reading the front page of a newspaper?

A few years ago, CBS reported, "HUNDREDS FEARED DEAD IN FLOOD" when referring to a storm that flooded parts of Northern California—two people died. CNN reported, "THE TALIBAN SENDS 300,000 TROOPS TO BORDERS," when in turned out to be fewer than 10,000.

In fact, you reduce your stress and feel happier if you stop reading newspapers, stop watching the news and ignore people who pass on bad news. Try it!

Antisocial personalities are horrible relay points. They ruin reputations, create chaos and start fights.

For example, the boss tells an employee, "Doug, please tell Pam she’s doing a great job and can leave early today, if she’d like."

If Doug is an antisocial or acting like an antisocial, he says, "Pam, the boss wants you to clock out and go home right now. He seemed pretty unhappy."

So Pam says, "I don’t understand . . . I guess I’d better leave."

Doug then comes and tells you, "Pam is confused. She didn’t finish her work and just walked out when I told her what you said. I think she’s on her period."

Unless you and Pam discover the truth about Doug, your working relationship will suffer. The strain will cause internal stress, a fight or worse.

On a broader scale, outsiders might pass exaggerations and lies between two nations and thus start a war.

"The Southerners hate you. They say you are evil. They plan to poison your water supply."

"The Northerners hate you. They say you are evil. They plan to poison your water supply."

After several months of this, the South and North start a war.

Marriages are also ruined by antisocial lies and alterations.

Chris lies to the husband and says, "Don’t tell your wife I said this, but she and Pete have been getting awfully friendly."

Chris then lies to the wife, "Don’t tell your husband I said this, but his daily hugs with Sharon are getting pretty intimate."

Even though there is nothing going on, the husband and wife suddenly suspect a problem and start fighting.

The Opposite Characteristic

"3. A social personality passes communication without much alteration and if deleting anything tends to delete injurious matters.

"He does not like to hurt people’s feelings." — L. Ron Hubbard

Meir Ezra: Who is Stopping You? (Part One)

Meir Ezra - The biggest barrier to a successful career is not a lack of opportunities, the job market or your city. It’s certain people.

Specifically, antisocial people—people who are devious, mean-spirited, cruel, hostile or negative. People who oppose you, treat you with disrespect and cause you trouble. They are trying to stop you.

“When we trace the cause of a failing business, we will inevitably discover somewhere in its ranks the antisocial personality hard at work.”

“It is important then to examine and list the attributes of the antisocial personality. Influencing as it does the daily lives of so many, it well behooves* decent people to become better informed on this subject.” -- L. Ron Hubbard (*behooves: to be necessary or proper for)

One of the most famous antisocial personalities was Adolf Hitler. Hitler loved children and pets. He was a vegetarian who neither smoked nor drank. He was kind and considerate to the ladies, secretaries and chauffeurs. Most people thought Hitler was a nice guy, but he organized the deaths of millions of people.

Antisocial personalities can be anyone: doctors, lawyers, politicians, business leaders, police officers, newspaper reporters, employees, men, women, old, young . . . anyone. They can be family members, spouses and colleagues. You probably know a few antisocial people.

When antisocial people are openly nasty or critical of you, you know who they are. They say, “You are an idiot” or “That idea of yours is the worst idea I’ve ever heard.” They stab you in your chest, not your back. You can deal with them directly.

The worst types of antisocial persons are those who hide their true intentions. They stab you in the back so you can’t catch them. They say, “Everyone thinks your ideas are silly” or “I heard a rumor the police might be investigating you” or “You look so tired; why don’t you take a vacation?”

Antisocials make you sick. For example, you are enjoying your day and getting a lot done. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, you feel a little upset. Your stomach and head hurt.

You review who just talked to you. Mary gave you a report and made a nice comment about the weather. Fred asked to borrow your pen and was very polite. The computer guy needed to look at my computer and said something about my computer infecting the whole network.

You think, “What was the computer guy talking about? Why did he waste so much of my time? And why are the computers always having problems? I’d better watch out for this guy.”

Suddenly, you feel better. You have spotted an antisocial person. Your day is pleasant again.

L. Ron Hubbard identified twelve characteristics of the antisocial person. The first way to spot them is to notice how they speak.

Generalities

“The antisocial personality has the following attributes:

“1. He or she speaks only in very broad generalities. They say . . .’ ‘Everybody thinks . . .’ ‘Everyone knows . . .’ and such expressions are in continual use, particularly when imparting rumor.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

Have you ever been to a meeting when someone said, "We’re all having troubles because of the economy," “People don’t like anyone who’s too successful” or "Everyone in this area is having a rough time"? These are generalities.

Whenever you hear a statement that starts, "Everyone says . . . “ or “All the citizens feel . . . “ or "The employees think . . . ,” you must perk up your ears. You have just heard the beginning of a generality.

Now if the generality is a good message, you can relax. “Everyone thinks you are doing a great job!” “No one was late today.” “All the carpenters appreciate the wood you bought.”

However, if the message is negative, the speaker is pointing a knife at your back. “No one believes your little act.” “Everyone thinks the pay is too low.” “No one wears their hair like that any more.”

One reason the news media is such a poor influence on society is because of their generalities. Just listen to the news or read a newspaper and you see generalities. “America was shocked and saddened . . .” “Sources revealed that . . .” “Critics asked why the President said . . .”

The newspaper reporter would not be as upsetting if he or she was specific. “My daughter asked me why the President said . . .”

Because antisocial people want you and others to fail, they confuse and upset you with generalities.

How to Respond

“When asked, ‘Who is everybody . . .’ it normally turns out to be one source and from this source the antisocial person has manufactured what he or she pretends is the whole opinion of the whole society.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

Example:

You: “Nancy, you say everyone thinks I make too much money. Who exactly?”

Nancy: "Oh, uh, well, you know, everyone I talk to. It’s common knowledge.”

You: "Can you tell me who exactly?”

Nancy: "I don’t know, I can’t remember. I’ll ask around.”

You: “I’m going to assume you made this all up. Don’t say things like that to me again.”

Social Personality

While the antisocials are tearing down the world, the world social personalities are improving it. Constructive people make life better for those around them. Fortunately, most people are social personalities.

Social personalities are opposite of the antisocial personality. For example, they are specific.

“The social personality is specific in relating circumstances. ‘Joe Jones said . . . ‘ ’The Star Newspaper reported . . . ‘ and gives sources of data where important or possible.

“He may use the generality of ‘they’ or ‘’people’ but seldom in connection with attributing statements or opinions of an alarming nature.” -- L. Ron Hubbard

Examples of social personality statements: “Patty and Joan want raises.” “Everyone’s happy you’re back from vacation.” “Steve loved your speech.”

Even if the social personality is passing bad news, it is not upsetting. For example, “Kelly and Roger have decided to move to Los Angeles to help their son produce documentaries.”

The antisocial thinks bad news is an opportunity to upset you. “It seems like lots of people are leaving us . . . Kelly, Roger and others. Maybe they don’t like how you treat them.”

Recommendation

Every time you hear a generality regarding bad news this week, reject the information. Assume the person is either careless or antisocial. Instead, ask “Who is everybody?” or “Who exactly?”

Meir Ezra: How to Handle Difficult People

 A bully at your work is difficult for you to face. He is demanding you do part of his job without pay or credit. How do you handle it?

                                           

Your neighbors are constantly fighting. They wake you up in the middle of the night with their screams and curses. What do you say to them?

Your father is unhappy about your career choice. He constantly criticizes your work and points out what he thinks you should do. How do you deal with him?

Difficult situations are part of everyone’s life. Employers and employees can’t get along. Partners clash over money. Spouses cannot resolve disagreements.

If you ignore these situations, they always get worse. Employees get fired, partnerships and marriages break up, everyone is miserable.

Waiting and worrying, the most common "solution," also allows the problem to get worse while giving you stress and shortening your life span.

If you attack the person, at least you are trying to fix the problem. But attacks, rage or irrational anger gives you a bad name, makes people afraid of you and reduces honest communication.

Disconnecting from the problem or from the person is not always wise or practical. Losing employees, supporters and friends because you needlessly disassociate from them may reduce your stress, but you might also become lonely and poor.

The Best Solution Is to Confront and Handle People

"The ability to stand up to and confront and handle whatever comes the way of the organization depends utterly on the ability of the individuals of the organization to stand up to, confront and handle what comes the individual's way." — L. Ron Hubbard

When you face and resolve the problem yourself, you feel wonderful. You are in control of your life. You not only conquer the opposition, you conquer your fear. Few accomplishments are more satisfying than confronting someone who is difficult to face and handling the conflict.

How to Confront and Handle Someone

By getting organized and working out a plan of action, confronting and handling people becomes much easier. The key is your preparation.

"THE SUCCESS OF ANY EVENT IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE TIMELY PREPARATION." — L. Ron Hubbard

Follow these seven steps to prepare yourself for dealing with the difficult people in your life.

1. Make the decision to face up to the person directly and by yourself.

2. Write down the exact problem you need to handle and your goal for the confrontation.

Examples of problems to be confronted that you might write down:

"Joe is refusing to pay me despite our agreement."

"Chris is hurting office morale and causing me stress with her continual complaining."

"Bob is supposedly telling people that my work is inferior and I am dishonest."

Once you specifically name or identify the problem, write down a goal for the meeting. "By the end of the meeting, I want . . . ."

Examples of goals or objectives you might want as a result of a confrontation:

"Joe pays me in full."

"Chris stops complaining or leaves."

"Learn the truth about Bob’s comments and if true, get him to stop it."

In some cases, your objective may also state:

"Figure out if I want this person as a partner/employee/boss/friend."

3. Write down a Plan or List of Points You Need to Make to Support Your Goal: Facts, Reasons and explanations you may need the other person to understand. List the points in order of priority or importance.

For example, to get Joe to understand why he must pay you, you might make these points:

- Joe requested the service.

- Joe signed an agreement to pay for the service.

- We provided the service as promised.

- Joe was happy with the service.

- Etc.

4. Write down objections, reactions or disagreements the other person may have. Include everything you are afraid might happen during the meeting. Putting specific concerns and fears in writing reduces their impact on you.

For each objection, reaction or disagreement you expect will happen, write a solution of how you will deal with each.

5. Organize your notes and gather supportive documents.

6. Arrange the meeting where you will not be disturbed, preferably in a space you control.

7. Start the meeting.

- Look the person directly in the eye.

- Explain the specific problem you want to resolve as you noted in Step 2.

- Go over your first point on the list from Step 3.

- Listen carefully to the other person and make certain they feel understood.

- Hold a position on your points.

- Use your solutions to their reactions as you worked out in Step 4.

- Continue describing your points and listening to the person's side.

- Do not give up. Communicate and persist for as long as it takes to reach your goal.

The more frequently you confront and handle difficult people, the easier it becomes. The amount of time it takes to prepare for a confrontation decreases. You become strong and tough.

When you confront and handle everyone around you, people respect you for your courage, your honesty and your control. Your associates, employees or coworkers follow your example and become more productive. Your enemies either become harmless or become friends.

Taking positive organized action, despite fear, is the kind of courage all successful people must have to succeed.

Learn more about Meir Ezra